A Poem from My Book Feeling

I’m Gay

you tell me I shouldn’t be
but don’t worry
I’ve done the research already
the math is solid

I know I’m subjecting my life
to political pain and torture
isolation and suffering
and chronic heartbreak
diseases of the body and soul
and mind
breakdown

but I might occasionally be happy at least
gay could be the correct term perhaps
if I’m lucky enough

you tell me I shouldn’t be this way
because this is easy for you to say
but trust me
it isn’t easy it’s messy and imprecise
always complicated

gay bars are boring
and dating apps are promiscuous and dangerous
I hate connection
I hate how shallow we are

I’m gay because I like the aesthetics of it
I am miserable and under the radar as I must be
but I at least feel
on a hyperreal level

I’m looking for love
that terrible cliché dreaded and despaired
I think I know what I want
and then I am proven wrong just as easily
just as quickly
I’m just a fag at heart
I like other men
so what it’s meaningless in the end

really this is a poem
about how cruel the world is
why do we do this to ourselves
endlessly
it is pointless
and it won’t matter much
that I was
or wasn’t gay
in the grand scheme of things really
I don’t think the Kosmos cares one way or the other

I just like it
making love is all right
but creating love
is more powerful and real
everlasting

for a love poem there is
a lot of hate in my words
endless disappointment
dejection
sadness and sorrow
a world without purpose
a world without meaning

but I expect rejection and despair
because I know it will hurt
I just came out
after eight years of repression
and that was hell
trust me

I’m disappointed that I’m a fag
it really hurts
but I find it beautiful anyway
despite all the criticism
and my internalized homophobia
I find it great that I’m honest at least

I don’t expect to be understood
but I expect to be
okay

and all right

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