Fire Walk (from Feeling)

Fire Walk

I walk fire I have no choice
in winter flame
the world implodes explodes
I fire walk
searching for numbers and abstraction
as if I was John Nash looking for patterns

I ask the gas station guy
average inconspicuous
how much the pretzels cost
just to bide my time and get stuff done
I need to engage and connect
even if it is desperate and weak
I look at my keys distractedly
when I remember I can’t buy anything

I ask him if he knows
the sixth element on the
periodic table

yellow and green
are esoteric
in Icelandic
magic
all of this from a Post-It note
and a dead plant

my world contracts and expands
it’s cold and I shiver and feel
my world breaks down
save me help me
I listen to rock music and shiver
I’m going to lose it just you watch
I look at my thoughts
and search for consistency

what is the square root of pi

my thoughts melt
reality falters
and factors
all of the thoughts
God is watching out for me (paranoia)
it’s wrong to be gay
so they say

anything can happen in my head
anything goes I’m free unfree

I’m crushed and it’s cold
but I nonetheless
walk on the fire
the cold world thoughts
touches
I burn cold I shiver

what is the relation
between the numbers
84.5
a calculation for a dosage of medication
I want to know Strong Ct.
street connect I cut
an old doctor of death
I can’t do it I fail
it’s too hard

I stop at a coffee shop on the way
open late
I listen to astral body projection
I feel at ease and lost
it’s so cold and yet
I
fire walk
walk fire
maybe I have to go back
to the hospital (I don’t trust)
which sucks
it scares me all of the intense mania
the manic lack of control
which doesn’t stop
the thoughts on fire

the numbers tell me things
don’t believe the lies
they can adapt
my apartment cursed hexed by a friend
I want to keep going
and never stop
(God is watching after me)

all the paranoia
in this fire walk
I want to quit but I can’t
I’m cold
astral body
I want you to talk to me
the misery cuts me (deep)
the fire burns my poetry is dead
and … I hate so badly

Scruffed

you think you know me
but it’s too hard
it burns
the memory stabs me brutal
and I give up

but the numbers
the elements
don’t lie
a whole reality to be uncovered
if I just search deep enough

and finally light myself on fire

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