A Scene (from He Lights Out)

Just some ideas I’ve been tossing around. I’ve been searching for clarity on understanding life, in all of its significance. Things are not black and white.

This is an excerpt from my book-in-progress, He Lights Out, the story before my book The Street Kid.


I nod my head, thinking about what he is saying, Tyson, my good friend who no doubt has a lot coming up for him, if he can be ready for it.

“Me, I like being gay,” Tyson tells me. “I know it won’t always be apparent, but it is apparent now. I like being gay because it opens up my mind, it forces me to be humble, as it splits open wide my perception. It forces me to open myself up to vulnerability, it forces me to be honest. All of these things, I can’t pretend otherwise.”

I think about what Tyson is telling me, and I agree with him. Here, where we are at, homosexuality just makes sense to us. We are horny boys, who like each other, and are willing to tell the truth with each other. It is no doubt very meaningful. And we’re safe here, because we are in a safe place, a place where we can be who we are.

But I know that it isn’t easy. I don’t think Phoenix really sees himself as being gay, even now. And yet, I know that he is. I know that he has a lot that he has to figure out, and I know it will not be easy. It can never be easy. But that is part of it, that is part of why he is falling: so he can deal with the consequences of who he is, no matter how hard that ultimately becomes. If he is not going to be accepted for being gay, it may open up his mind, and he may understand things of a deep nature, truly comprehending the Kosmos. At least, that is my hope. Because I fear that Phoenix is going to fall, and there will be nothing I can do about it.

To me, homosexuality is about opening the mind. It is about being both primal, sexual, but also intellectual and cerebral. There are many things that I wish that I understood better than I do now, including my sexuality. We always want to blame people for things that they do not understand themselves, I have never understood this mentality. I don’t understand it at all, but I see it as the dominant paradigm. And in that way, there is very little that I can do about it.

“I don’t think it is supposed to make sense,” I finally tell Tyson. “I don’t think we are supposed to understand it. I think things are supposed to evade us, in so many ways, with us wishing that it was simpler, even though it is not, not even close. These things are very complex, we know this. They must be complex.”

“But the world is changing,” Tyson tells me. “Some people are starting to understand that being gay is godly and mythological, in a very powerful way. People are understanding that our reality is deep, and that being gay allows you to be sensitive and kind. Emphasis on being sensitive. We want to corrupt everything, and so, we see homosexual love, a pure expression, as something bad, as something deserving corruption. But honestly, the free world has it all backwards: homosexuality is the purest way to show love, and it is deep and meaningful to those who take part. The world is slowly starting to understand this, in all honesty, but it’s got a long way to go. People like to profane others for being gay, but it isn’t right. Why do you think most street kids are gay? It is because they are pure. Street kids are already pure, and they’re even more pure for being gay. It is something special, there is a kind of exceptionalism to being part of the homosexual crowd, and this is not understood by many people, who seek to demonize it, condemn people to Hell, whatever it is they wish to do. Either way, it is not functional, this arrangement. It accomplishes nothing, it simply hurts the innocent. Homosexuality is a form of innocence, but it is never understood this way, it has become the crux of cold jokes and cruelty, and that is not okay. But we don’t need to do anything about it, except for let ourselves be subtle. We don’t need to be obvious.”


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