I never thought that I would be at this point. Not only have I come out, but I am actually comfortable with my sexuality. I see it as something good, something positive. I no longer see it as a burden and something that I have to overcome, and instead, I see it as something that is meaningful to me. I see it as an important part of who I am.
I never thought that I would end up here. I had a lot of homophobia, for instance. While it still exists, my more intense phobic ideas have kind of dissipated. I have realized how distracting those ideas are from me living my life.
In a way, that is the simple but great victory that has come from my acceptance of myself. I finally get to move on with my life, and actually enjoy certain aspects of things that I never thought that I could. I understand why people are very fearful when they come out, I have experienced some negative things myself. But in all honesty, because I’m confident and sure of myself, my experience isn’t as bad as it could be. I don’t have anyone bashing me for being who I am, and that is crucial.
I still have doubts, of course. How can I not have doubts, when I have doubts about pretty much anything and everything in the world? But, these doubts don’t dominate my life like they used to. Like I said before, I feel confident in who I am, and that is definitely very empowering. In my limited perspective, I think it is better to be open and honest, rather than repressed. I think we do better when we tell the truth. Sometimes we don’t tell the truth, and we have our reasons, but I prefer to be honest with people and I prefer to be honest with myself.
I don’t want to make it seem like any of this is easy. It definitely is not easy. I struggled and suffered for eight years, keeping my sexuality hidden from others. I just couldn’t tell people, I was so afraid. I wasn’t even aware of how afraid I actually was. And then, I had a few rocky experiences when I did come out, roughly a year ago, and that did not help my perspective. In fact, even just a month ago, I was still trying to find a way to talk myself out of my sexuality. I was hoping that I didn’t actually have to be gay. I was hoping that they were just thoughts, that they were just ideas that I had. But it seems that at this point in my life, it is too apparent. And granted, there are moments where I wish that I could slide back to where I was before, and deny how I actually feel, just so that way I am not hurt by society and people. But I nonetheless realize that I have to be straightforward with this, because when I am not, I feel like I am dishonest and disingenuous.
A friend of mine once told me that he accepted the teachings of the Bible, including the things that he didn’t like. I suppose this meant that he had to accept the fact that the Bible condemns homosexuality. But I suppose I could subvert the argument just a little bit, and say, I have to accept myself fully, even the parts that I don’t like. I think this is an important way to look at the issue. I know that many Christians will not accept who I am. But I also acknowledge that I am not a Christian, and because I am not, I have a completely different worldview. I have a worldview that is very complex and nuanced, and it has led me to realize certain things about myself. One of which, is that I can never see homosexuality is a bad thing, when sex itself is one of the best things that we have, sex and an expression of love and affection, commitment.
I said before that none of this was easy, and I can say it again. I can also say that I am still very nervous about certain aspects of my life. I have only dated twice, and those were not the best experiences I could have had. So, I still have a lot of apprehension about dating, because I don’t know the ropes fully, I don’t know how things work. I am afraid of making a mistake, I am afraid of doing something stupid.
It isn’t easy to be this honest. It isn’t, because I know that I am subject to harsh judgments, and that people can indeed be mean to me because of who I am. But, I am honest because this is one of my values. I definitely care about being honest with others, not putting on a front. We are told to do this so many times, when it is unfair and untenable. There are so many aspects to ourselves that are very good and important that we not suppress. I think we lose sight of this in our lives, with all of the mixed messages, but in my experience, this is the best way to live.
I hope that I can find love. I suppose I wanted that for a very long time. It was always weird for me, because there were times when I wanted to be with a girl, but I knew that I couldn’t like her the same way that I like guys. That was an intense realization, to realize that I have a deep respect for women, but that my temperament is different, and there are certain things that I like. This was hard for me to accept, but I am closer now to acceptance than I was before.
In other words, I knew that I didn’t like girls the way that I like guys.
Sometimes it makes me sad, realizing these things. There are many reasons for this. One reason: because my mother and my father do not approve, and I had a very specific vision in mind for me. But oddly enough, all of their children, me and my sister, turned out this way. Perhaps it is genetic? I don’t know, but I think that it is interesting that both of us turned out this way. It’s definitely food for thought.
I know that I could be hurt along the line. The road is complex, and there is no telling what kind of roadblocks we will encounter. I hope that I am not hurt too much, because I have felt a lot of pain in my life. But nonetheless, I think that I will face negative things. But I can’t focus fully on that. I can’t focus fully on what could happen, what negative things could potentially happen.
Today I have a date of sorts with another person, or so that is what was supposed to happen. I am aware that things may definitely not turn out the way that I hope. We may not meet up, we may have a negative experience if we do meet up, he may not be interested in me or already has a partner: whatever the case, it could definitely be a very complex situation. But nonetheless, I am hopeful that good things will happen, that good things will come out of this. I don’t want to exaggerate these things, and exaggerate what could happen and what cannot happen, but for whatever reason, I started late in the game. And I can’t expect things to just happen the way that I want them to, this fast. It takes a lot of effort and a lot of work.
That said, I still feel like I have worked really hard at it. I had to get over eight years of repression, and then I had to deal with certain dysfunctional qualities of the gay community. But I ultimately think it will work. I believe that what I am doing is right.
Indeed, I believe that what I am doing is good and right. I can’t really explain why, it is simply a very powerful emotion and conviction that I have. Maybe it’s because I know that we don’t understand those who are different from us, and so we cast judgments. Maybe because religion gets the best of many people, and it ends up oppressing others. I don’t really know, to be honest. But I know that I don’t necessarily need to have the answers for this. So, even though I may have certain bits of evidence that suggests why what I’m doing is right, I cannot make the case and I certainly cannot win the argument. But I understand I don’t need to win the argument, because life is complicated, and there are many things that happen, and we don’t need to defend everything. Indeed, there are many factors, and we have to accept this.
So yeah. That was what I wanted to talk about, about how much progress I have made. I have made a lot of progress, and it leaves me feeling very hopeful about the future. I am actually dealing with my problems, and that is important and crucial, it is meaningful to me as a person. I am not running away from who I am, I am not running away from my responsibilities in my future. I acknowledge that many bad things can happen, I acknowledge that I don’t have it all figured out, but either way, I still remain confident in myself, and who I am. And I suppose, that is good enough.