Finally! Part two of Recursive Feedback, an essay I wrote. Enjoy.
Also, here’s the first part: https://stephanheard.wordpress.com/2019/01/29/recursive-feedback-pt-1-an-essay/
Naturally, any living organism would not want to feel such things, such pain. I was accused of being a determinist, for not thinking that free will exists, and that I think as though my suffering is inevitable, and therefore, I have no agency. Maybe I do believe this, though it is a complicated belief with much nuance, and naturally arises so that I can adapt to my situation. It would make sense why a person would believe this: it helps them prepare for the inevitability, the inevitable suffering. It makes them be ready for the things that are coming their way, out of their control.
I really am fascinated by the idea that the inputs are the same. It may not be the most accurate way of looking at the situation, but when I think of machines, they naturally get input, and what they do with this is what I find interesting. I of course am not a machine or computer, and there is a very real way in which this metaphor is not accurate. Yet I do feel as though the input is the same, and thus, I react the same way that I have a hundred times before. So in other words, I am programmed to be a certain way. Part of this is social conditioning, part of this is social coercion, part of this is my biology and traumatic experiences: and there is a real sense in which I think, this dynamic is truly out of my control, at least in some capacity, because it doesn’t change the things that I am feeling or when I feel this way.
There is a way in which I have to realize that much of this is out of my control. I cannot control society, and I need to stop expecting people to be more compassionate and kind to me, just because that is something that I project and that I want, and that would really help me. There is a way in which I need to realize that life is painful, but that I am doing my best, and obviously, I am trying different things to be able to get different results. I don’t want to spend my life in a negativity cycle or in this recursive feedback loop of toxic thoughts, and I want to give myself credit of the progress that I have made and the things that I have been able to accomplish. But let me tell you: when I get in certain states of mind and feel certain emotions, I am literally unable to respond because of how much it hurts. I wouldn’t want to put all of the emphasis on the pain, because psychologically, it is a very specific phenomenon. There is a way in which, when these things happen, I do feel as though it is inevitable, and I feel as though it is out of my control, and that is very hard to live with. As I’ve been saying, nobody wants to experience the same things over and over again, and yet, at least for now, for whatever reason, that is what is happening to me. And I don’t know what to do with that, and it makes me literally scared.
But that is exactly why I present the metaphors of inputs and recursion. I probably am not going to figure these things out for a long time, I probably am not going to understand what it is that I’m doing wrong or what could at least be different, and certainly, I should not be so hard on myself. I present these metaphors as possible explanations, even if they themselves are not solutions. I feel as though my experiences can be certain truths, and how you understand this is very important, and that is why I posit these metaphors. A lot of these things are out of my control, and I realize that, and I continually do my best to accept this and to know that, things will get better, and that I shouldn’t give up, and that I keep going, and I have a gift, and I should keep writing. I may not fully understand what is happening with me at times, I may not fully understand the psychology or biology of it, but there is a way in which I do realize, being conscious of it is probably a very important step, because it at least allows me to deal with the hard realities I face as being someone with mental states that the organism cannot possibly understand.